Reflection...

I am just here at home today, with my two little boys. They are playing, dragging toys out everywhere. Our life is pretty normal and kind of routine. Get up, potty breaks, baths, getting dressed, breakfast, make the beds, laundry going, a few phone calls and playtime for the boys. Husband at work. Mommy taking a afternoon break.
I got a knock at the door, it was the mailman. Wondering what Tim might have ordered I stare at the package. "Similac Welcome Addition Club". Oh it is for me, the only problem is there is no baby to welcome...*sigh*! You see I was pregnant and my baby would be due in 3 weeks. I had a miscarriage on July 18,2007. I was 10 1/2 weeks pregnant.
There seems to be a constant reminder to me that there is a void in my heart. No it can not be seen but it is very deeply felt. At first there was pain and confusion, then the deep overwhelming sadness, and now time has passed and it doesn't hurt and that shadow of sadness has passed, but I have come to realize that the void will stay forever.
So life goes on each day, I am even more thankful for Brayden and Brycen because I couldn't imagine my life without them! So I will pick up the endless stream of toys across my floor, I will clean the floor after lunch when Brycen has made a mess again even though I just mopped last night, I will put all the DVDs Brayden has got out in the right cases and I will not complain (At least I will try harder) !:) Because they give so much joy to me.
Although they do not fill the void of my baby that is gone. They are the ones I got up for in the days following my miscarriage. They helped me through it like no adult ever could. If I was crying Brayden would say "Mommy" are you sad about our baby"? Yes, I would reply, then Brayden would say"I am sad too". They would give me a hug and a smile and go on about what they were doing. Brayden asked so many questions "like were did my baby go"? We told him the baby went to be with Jesus. Okay he said "I don't want to go with Jesus yet, I just want to stay with Daddy and Mommy"!
Brayden is still talking about the baby, it gives me comfort now though. When my Pappie died 2 months ago. I was so sad and Brayden of course was asking a lot of questions. Like what happened to Pappie and where did he go? To be with Jesus I replied, Oh he said "Like our baby"? Yes I said like our baby. A little later Brayden said "Mommy don't cry, me and daddy will get you a new baby, but I can't get you another Pappie"! Kids are so funny sometimes, especially the way their little minds work and the things that they say.
So as I reflect back on last year and the loss of the baby, I realize we can't always find a reason for what happens in our lives, but time does heal a sad heart. I am glad to have so much Joy surrounding me!